In this post I will talk about following-through with your child. This means making sure that your child does what you have asked him or her to do. This is particularly important when compliance is a challenge.
Following-through involves helping your child to complete the requests you have asked. First and foremost, before making a request it is key that you are willing to follow-through. This adds credibility to you as a parent. When you follow-through with requests, your child learns that you mean business, when you ask him or her to do something, you expect it to be done. I should reiterate that by following-through, I am not referring to “making” your child do what you have asked but rather “helping” your child to do what you have asked.
I am sure some parents may be wondering how can I do this? Well, it is about setting your child up for success. It is also about the way you ask and when you ask.
Time for a reality check, sometimes you ask your child to do something and you do not pre-analyze the situation or level of success or your willingness to follow-through, c’mon we are parents and that is not always practical. In these situations, if your child complies, awesome. If not, simply rephrase your request to set them up for success.
For example, your teenage son, who has difficulty managing his emotions and easily gets angry (with or without guests present), has friends over on a weeknight. You would like him to complete his chores and homework at a reasonable time. You hesitantly poke your head into the TV room where he and his friends are playing games; you say, “Make sure your homework and chores are done by 9 o’clock, okay?” Very quickly he slams his fist down on the coffee table and practically yells, “C’mon mom, I have friends over”. The last thing you want is for a full-blown outburst to occur in front of his friends, who may not “get it”. Furthermore, your son will be embarrassed the next day for loosing-his-cool. What is the next step?
You need to recognize for yourself that your child has not followed-through or acknowledged your request and agreed that he will follow-through. You can ask to speak to him privately so you are not doing so in front of his friends. Keep cool. Stay calm. It is never a good idea when both individuals are on the defense and a simple request becomes a battle-of-wills. State your request again but this time use a simple if/then statement letting him know that there is a consequence if he does not follow-through. You want to be firm but sensitive to the time you have asked. You may say something like “It is getting late, you have homework and things to do, let us plan your time accordingly so that you can complete what I asked you do by 9 o’clock. If your homework and chores are not done by this time, I will have to ask your friends to leave, and you will no longer be allowed to have friends over in the week. Do you want to do your work in between turns, or do you want to ask them to leave in 10 minutes, so you may do your work now?”
Giving your child choices can help to set them up for success, especially when the options result in following-through with your original request. It is important to realize that “when” you ask to complete a task can actually deter you child from following through. Of course your child is less likely to comply when he is engaged in a high-preferred task. When following-through with a situation like this, it is helpful to acknowledge the current situation. For example “I understand your friends are over and you are having fun, but you also have some after school responsibilities”.
It may also be helpful to break down larger tasks into smaller tasks. You may provide a checklist. Or you may even set time limitations for smaller tasks. For example, “Within the next half hour, I would like you to empty the dish washer, then you may go back and join your friends” After some time you can present another small task “Within the next 15 minutes, I would like you to bring your laundry from the basement to your room and put it away” Continue like this until the larger task is complete. In cases where your child has anger management or self-regulation challenges, it is helpful to remind him to use his regulation techniques. Remember, for the most part your child wants you to be pleased with him, he wants you to be happy, sometimes he may just require some assistance to do so.
–Deborah Vincent
